I am a felon... I am an ex-con... I am a decent human being struggling for a better life.
I am sharing this with the world right now because I am so tired of being looked down upon, denied a better life, job and place to live and grouped in with those who like living like thugs. I am not the person that little background check says I am. I am not a common criminal only out to cause more ruckus. I am a good person, I am trying to make my life better. I am a caring, loving mother, daughter, sister, friend and significant other. I am so many good things that people refuse to see because of a title.
I am someone who tried to love someone who didn't love me, saw me only as an object to use as a means to unleash streams of negativity and often times seen as a punching bag. I put up with it for only so long, until the authorities were involved, in which they told the abuser to "go for a drive and cool off." Along with a warning of, "if we come out here again for this, you'll be charged with a felony." Justice was never served, for two years it happened, law enforcement wouldn't do anything, so I figured I would just have to stand up for myself. Once I did, I was the one incarcerated, the one who bears the burden of felon. I am the one judged, denied, looked upon with distrust and made to live like so many who enjoy the title only because I refused to let someone take my life like the many times it was attempted.
I have bills piling up, credit that is shot and seemingly no hope for employment. Physical labor is unfeasible. Food services will only hinder my anxieties. I'm excellent in customer service, retail, cashiering, computers, design, and so many other things. Most take one look at that piece of paper with the title "felon" and say no with a look of disgust in their eyes. I am, by no means, being picky about employment, but I do know where I excel and will look for those jobs first. I will not lie and say this is not on my record, I know they will find out, I know I will be terminated from employment and that will make it that much more difficult to find a new job.
I live in what I call Ghettoville, USA. I do not like it here. I do not feel safe. I can't stand the drugs, crime, noise and altogether sluminess of this place. I'm sick of this place charging us made up fees thus making it impossible to keep up with rent. I'm sick of my requests to have something fixed go ignored. I'm sick of the pot smoke drifting in through my open door when I try to enjoy a fresh breeze coming into my place. I'm sick of the guns and threats to shoot other people. I'm sick of the standing water that allow for the breeding of mosquitos. I'm tired of the trash, the syringes, the smell in the courtyards.
Granted, we did find a new place to move into. It seems only after I sat in the office of the apartment locater with tears streaming down my face as denial after denial came across the phone line. I hope this place is a bit better than this one. I still feel it's another ghetto, but hope that it's better than the current ghetto. It's further away from my boyfriends job, so he has to be on the bus longer now. It's further away from my mom and daughters, I hate that. It's the ONLY place that would accept us given our current situation of owing rent, felony, being on parole, and having little money to put down. I sit here and wonder if this is really the right move. Again, I will not lie about the felony, only to have it found out later and be evicted.
I am in college, determinedly earning a Bachelor's degree in Graphic Arts. I plan on re-starting my freelance design business. I do plan on going places. Yet, I can't stop feeling like the title of felon is holding me back, waiting to rear its ugly head time and again and block my path to a better life. Will this ever go away? No matter how much time has passed without further incident? No matter what anyone can say about my character in my defense? Does anyone know what my parole officer said about me? She calls me "The Worrier" because I am always worried about doing the right thing, always cautious of making sure things are done correctly, and always worried about messing up and being incarcerated again.
Why am I on parole now... after all, it's been 9 years and 10 months since my charge. I made another mistake, in 2001, I got in touch with my ex-husband (the "victim"), made a court appearance to request permission to move from Oregon to Arizona so I can be with our daughter whom he has custody of. Permission was granted with the stipulation that I had to contact my probation officer and let her know. I did so, was told everything was fine. Five years later I find out there's a warrant for my arrest from Oregon. It took me two years to be able to afford to travel back to Oregon to take care of this warrant. Seven years after moving back to Arizona, I was incarcerated again, this time, not county jail, but state prison, for 8 months. Upon release, I was on 24 months supervision. I was released March, 2010. It's been almost a year, I am up for review in a little over a month, it may be decided that I have done so well they don't feel the need to keep me on parole. It may be the following March. So, almost 10 years later, I'm still paying for staying alive.
I just wish, for once, that I can be looked at as a valuable member of society. I'm not a trouble maker; I'm not a bad person. I am a person with goals to reach, someone who has a heart and a conscience, someone who is trying to do everything within her power to make the best life she can. Questions, comments, razzing? I'd like to know your opinion, whether you know me or not.
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