My Sanctuary Seems To Be In Hell!

As some of my friends know, I am... well, I am technically homeless. I do have a roof over my head, however, I can't call it home because I don't support it financially. When my boyfriend and I first came to this place the original agreement between the roomie and a mutual contact was that I would build his website in lieu of cash payment for rent. With this agreement that means he pays for the hosting and/or the server and I build the website, I also agreed to take pictures and video for it as well. People pay well into the thousands in dollars for this service alone. He's getting a damn good deal, I'd say.

He's computer literate, to a point but, he wants to make himself seem ignorant to the ways of modern technology. I am perfectly ok with this, more bandwidth for me! I understand his need to have questions answered but, I am not all that technical and certainly not good with communicating in a teaching fashion. The important thing is I *know* how to build the site he wants. He refuses to sit with me and look over pricing for various site hosts and when I do find him a spectacular deal, there's either no money for it or some other reason why it's put off. When there is money, the website is never mentioned. So, I wait.

Yet, somehow, I've become incompetent to site building since I haven't been able to answer his questions. You know, the ones that come in a barrage before I can even get two words out. I can do the work, I just can't talk about how it's done. Words fail me. I wouldn't be so pissed about this if it wasn't for the fact that his attitude toward me (who, according to him seems to be less of a person because I am not thin and blonde with a nice rack and shapely ass) didn't come off as total dickish. He'll go and tell all of his friends that I lied, saying I can build websites, when in truth, I didn't tell him that, our mutual contact did. I am a Graphic Designer with just enough Web building knowledge to get the job done. He doesn't seem to understand. He once had a room full of his friends and after embarrassing me by again asking me the technical questions that either he's not putting out correctly or I have trouble explaining he turned to his three friends and asked, "What is so hard about what I'm asking her? I don't think she understands simple questions. Can you ask her if she even knows how to build a website?" What's worse? One of those fuckers actually DID come and ask me! Oh... the snark that came from me! I did feel a bit bad because the one who asked me is about as bright as a burnt out lightbulb but... hey.

I wish I could say it just came from him but, unfortunately, this douchenozzle mentality runs rampant in this place, I guess. Or at least, as far as I've experienced with just a couple little rays of light. The first person, well, I'm not sure... I just get this feeling that as soon as I arrived there were secret little texts or phone calls telling certain people just what I am like in person, I am fat. Takes a genius to point out the obvious, doesn't it? Anyway, from the moment I arrived in this new town I noticed a change in a few others that I knew online. Now, could be true, could be just my anxiety. Either way, something changed. Things happened, I end up in the current Hell.

Another person I met tried to set the rules down in a house she has nothing to do with. Don't come into someone else's home and tell me what my "chores" are. If he want something done, he can ask or let me know that he appreciate certain things being done. Funny, how the first day I was here I was told to not listen to anything she had to say. She ended up being blocked from contacting me on my phone because all she could do was be a condescending twat to me via text. Also, the fact that she got my number by someone other than me, whether it was intentionally given or snooped via mutual contacts phone, I don't know. Just knowing that she's best friends with the first person I met here... yeah, that doesn't help me think that there was never nothing said behind my back.

Then there's this one bitch... this bitch who all sorts of comes up in here and saying that I should be cleaning the roomies bedroom, making his bed and ALL the other stuff around this house. When I am paid $10 an hour to clean this place like a live-in maid, then I might try to clean up after this 50 some-odd year old man who needs a mommy more than a maid. Sorry, but when he goes into the bathroom for hours on end to do Gods know what while reading the newspaper and then LEAVING the paper scattered all over for someone else to clean up or for the mass amounts of half stray cats to come shit on all of it, I draw the line. I do the dishes, sweep these dirty ass floors, do the laundry, sometimes bring in firewood, take out trash, make sure all 20 cats have food and water, cleaning cat shit off the floor, keep the fire going AND put up with a sexist jerk and all his friends (there are a couple cool ones, I don't mind them) all the while biting my tongue while people talk shit about me. I think I'm doing my damn part to maintain a functional household. Back to the bitch, I'm not sure how the hell I've managed to hold my tongue ever since finding out that she told my boyfriend that he needed to "put his foot down" with me. So, stupid bitch thinks that my boyfriend should control me, because that's what it is, control. Oh HELL NO!

Now, the current issue is the fact that my boyfriend and I received our Christmas gifts in the form of gift cards. So, we went shopping. We each got a new computer mouse and out of the $180 we got so far, the rest went for food or toiletries, hell, even cat food and if the roomie needed anything we were willing to pick some stuff up for him too. Now, we're not eligible for SNAP benefits and, quite frankly, there are others who need it more so what little we manage to get to our names, we buy food or other necessary items. This means that we are extremely "territorial" with our food. Roomie is Pescetarian, fish and veggie eater. We eat all the other meats except fish. Anyway, what non-carnivore food we got seems to have been asked for once and quickly dwindling since. I know that we were told to be territorial with our food but, we're not going to eat all of it in one sitting. STAY OUT OF OUR FOOD! We stay out of yours! Hell, he even ate the rest (3/4) of a gallon of MY ice cream in one sitting because I didn't eat the whole damn thing at one time. Just knowing that we've had to hide some food because, yeah, no one touches my Cinnamon Roll oatmeal! is pathetic. I thought there was an unspoken rule that unless otherwise stated, stay the hell out of your roomies food.

My boyfriend was working, selling meat on commission and was doing well at it too. He took some off season time off because I told him that all our roomie would do is say that no one wants to go be on his work crew, so my boyfriend decided that since his sales were down he would help out our roomie. Not to mention that the landlords are pissed that all three (or four) lots are filled up with the wood (roomie cuts down trees) and they want it cleaned out by the end of March. Roomie decided he'd be cool and tell them it would be done by the New Year. LOL! One day left and the lots are still not cleaned up. Both my boyfriend and I were here to help, guess what... twice... twice we were asked to go to the "lower 40" and help. He does different things every day and he's really picky about where he wants all this wood because, according to him, most of it is worth lots of money. Meanwhile, it's just out there rotting. We were here... ready and waiting to help, so if the landlords want to kick him out, well, we might just see if we can take over because my boyfriend is tired of just sitting around and is going back to work tomorrow. 

Oh, I didn't even mention the time that he made me feel like my boyfriend was too good for me. (He is but, he's mine!) Even going to the point of asking if the other women in my family were "pleasantly plump" (his words!) Hmmm, well sir, that's none of your business. So, I'm fat, I thank every God that be that I am not some skinny little thing. I for sure wouldn't want to be like everyone else! My boyfriend loves me just as I am and is a better person for seeing more than just the exterior being.

Today, I am waiting to see if we are getting kicked out because his friends made coffee in my boyfriends coffee pot, no biggie, right? My boyfriend was still asleep, I had just walked into the living room when it beeped. He must have been semi-awake because he asked if that was his coffee pot and I said, "Yes, I just don't know if it's your coffee." (Another territorial-worthy item.) Well, apparently his friends heard the early morning grumbles of the bear that is my boyfriend and ran outside and told on us. So, our roomie comes stomping back in yelling shit about us being "freeloaders" and "thieves" because he sometimes hands my boyfriend money to go buy stuff and authorizes "a pack of smokes" for us. Apparently, buying smokes on his allowed dime makes us thieves. I'm just waiting for his missing iPod to be a score for me in his delusional world. I don't need nor do I want an iPod, I have my own mp3 player. Thanks.

Needless to say, I have been seething all day because he can talk his shit about me, he can belittle me, he can steal our food, he can make me feel like I'm two inches tall in front of his pals amongst so much more and I, nor my boyfriend, can have a bad day?! Fuck. That!

I didn't mention that he's not even man enough to pull his shit with me in front of my boyfriend. Nope, he waits until I'm all alone, with no one to back me. When my boyfriend is here, I'm practically invisible. It's a welcome break.

So, you see, it's just one big awesome time here. If it wasn't freezing outside, and if we still had our tent, I think I'd be preferring that right about now. At least my sanity would be more intact and I wouldn't be feeling this mass amount of anxiety and the need to fuck shit up right about now.

Just smile and nod. Smile and nod.

Anxiety? Panic? Who'da thunk?!

I would like to share something that I don't think many people understand about me, much less in general. Anxiety sucks ass! I mean big, hairy, dingleberry-filled ass! I have anxiety, social anxiety to be more precise, topped off with agoraphobia. I'm not a people person. Deep down I want to be, I want to live free from the fear of judgement, I want to know that I belong somewhere and that I am not trapped when it comes to being in uncomfortable situations. I've come across way too many people who think that I overreact... well, ok, I can understand that and most times I am overreacting. However, my anxiety does not know the difference in react vs. overreact in the moment of panic.

There are several things I would like people to know about me.

 First, when in "panic mode", I will say ALL the wrong things! My brain is almost completely unresponsive to coherent thought. So when I try to express myself, I would appreciate more patience. Just know that if I say the wrong thing about a person that we, you or I care about, it isn't as it seems. I seem to pick words out of the air that either don't make sense or come off as unappreciative, ungrateful, even mean. If you feel you have to ask questions to figure out if I am panicking or being mean, by all means, do so. Don't just jump my shit.

 Second, for the love of peace, don't talk shit about me. If you want to know ANYTHING about me, what I do, how I think, how I feel, and so on, just ask. If you don't like something, say it to me, not your buddies. I somehow always find out about the shit talk, whether I hear it for myself or someone other than the "talker" has the balls to come to me with the issue.

Third, NEVER belittle me or make me feel that I am not (or less than) a person because I don't have all the answers. I am not someone who finds speaking easy, especially if I don't know you. If you feel you MUST press me for answers, do NOT bombard me with question after question before I can get two words out of my mouth. I am a doer, not a teacher, if you want to learn something, go learn for yourself. Just because I don't have all the answers doesn't mean that I am incompetent. Please, don't turn from me to your friends to bitch about my lack of answers and then tell your friends to come and ask me if I know how to do what you want me to do. It pisses me off.

Fourth, I am me, an individual person, with my own thoughts, ideas, reactions to differing stimuli. Just because you are someone who can climb a mountain does not mean that I am. Just because you have pain and are still able to go out and do your thing does not mean that I will do the same. For instance, you managed to fracture your leg, you got medical help, you stayed in bed for a few days and then you were right back to work. That's great! I actually envy your fearlessness. I have arthritis in my spine and hips, along with a few other physical complications, it's constant pain, I manage to do what I can even if it's very little. One big difference between your take on pain and mine? I FEAR my pain! I want to have a massive panic attack when there's too much or even just too much thinking about it. My anxiety damn near paralyzes me in fear. I can daydream all I want about the physical activities I want to take on but, when it comes to it, sometimes my mind just won't let my body go.

Fifth, please, let's not have your friends come over and then say that I should be the one cleaning and making your bed, picking up your newspaper mess you leave in the bathroom. Especially after said friend has already told my Significant Other to "put his foot down" with me, in other words, my boyfriend needs to control me. BITCH PLEASE! I am not your maid, I am not your spouse, I am not your mother, clean up after yourself.

Sixth, I also have anger issues that I do my absolute best to control, that's one reason why I make myself seem weaker than I am, I have to believe that I do not have the strength nor the capability to hurt someone. I've been to that other side and I don't want to see it ever again. However, I am human and can only be pushed so far.

 There is much, much more but, these are just the issues at hand right now. At this time, this post is just the precursor to another blog that I will probably start writing just after this is finished.

Raising the dead.

It seems I got all of two posts into the blog and then... it dies. Same with another blog I have. Neither have been used in some time and I have been thinking about bringing at least one (this one) to life. I have a few rants that I know I need to get off my chest. Right now though, it's more a matter of time over material. So.. hopefully within the next few days I can get something going and try to come up with some sort of weekly rant entertainment. So, until I can find some time... Ta! ♥

Felon = bad person?

I am a felon... I am an ex-con... I am a decent human being struggling for a better life.

     I am sharing this with the world right now because I am so tired of being looked down upon, denied a better life, job and place to live and grouped in with those who like living like thugs. I am not the person that little background check says I am. I am not a common criminal only out to cause more ruckus. I am a good person, I am trying to make my life better. I am a caring, loving mother, daughter, sister, friend and significant other. I am so many good things that people refuse to see because of a title. 

     I am someone who tried to love someone who didn't love me, saw me only as an object to use as a means to unleash streams of negativity and often times seen as a punching bag. I put up with it for only so long, until the authorities were involved, in which they told the abuser to "go for a drive and cool off." Along with a warning of, "if we come out here again for this, you'll be charged with a felony." Justice was never served, for two years it happened, law enforcement wouldn't do anything, so I figured I would just have to stand up for myself. Once I did, I was the one incarcerated, the one who bears the burden of felon. I am the one judged, denied, looked upon with distrust and made to live like so many who enjoy the title only because I refused to let someone take my life like the many times it was attempted. 

     I have bills piling up, credit that is shot and seemingly no hope for employment. Physical labor is unfeasible. Food services will only hinder my anxieties. I'm excellent in customer service, retail, cashiering, computers, design, and so many other things. Most take one look at that piece of paper with the title "felon" and say no with a look of disgust in their eyes. I am, by no means, being picky about employment, but I do know where I excel and will look for those jobs first. I will not lie and say this is not on my record, I know they will find out, I know I will be terminated from employment and that will make it that much more difficult to find a new job. 

     I live in what I call Ghettoville, USA. I do not like it here. I do not feel safe. I can't stand the drugs, crime, noise and altogether sluminess of this place. I'm sick of this place charging us made up fees thus making it impossible to keep up with rent. I'm sick of my requests to have something fixed go ignored. I'm sick of the pot smoke drifting in through my open door when I try to enjoy a fresh breeze coming into my place. I'm sick of the guns and threats to shoot other people. I'm sick of the standing water that allow for the breeding of mosquitos. I'm tired of the trash, the syringes, the smell in the courtyards. 

     Granted, we did find a new place to move into. It seems only after I sat in the office of the apartment locater with tears streaming down my face as denial after denial came across the phone line. I hope this place is a bit better than this one. I still feel it's another ghetto, but hope that it's better than the current ghetto. It's further away from my boyfriends job, so he has to be on the bus longer now. It's further away from my mom and daughters, I hate that. It's the ONLY place that would accept us given our current situation of owing rent, felony, being on parole, and having little money to put down. I sit here and wonder if this is really the right move. Again, I will not lie about the felony, only to have it found out later and be evicted. 

     I am in college, determinedly earning a Bachelor's degree in Graphic Arts. I plan on re-starting my freelance design business. I do plan on going places. Yet, I can't stop feeling like the title of felon is holding me back, waiting to rear its ugly head time and again and block my path to a better life. Will this ever go away? No matter how much time has passed without further incident? No matter what anyone can say about my character in my defense? Does anyone know what my parole officer said about me? She calls me "The Worrier" because I am always worried about doing the right thing, always cautious of making sure things are done correctly, and always worried about messing up and being incarcerated again. 

     Why am I on parole now... after all, it's been 9 years and 10 months since my charge. I made another mistake, in 2001, I got in touch with my ex-husband (the "victim"), made a court appearance to request permission to move from Oregon to Arizona so I can be with our daughter whom he has custody of. Permission was granted with the stipulation that I had to contact my probation officer and let her know. I did so, was told everything was fine. Five years later I find out there's a warrant for my arrest from Oregon. It took me two years to be able to afford to travel back to Oregon to take care of this warrant. Seven years after moving back to Arizona, I was incarcerated again, this time, not county jail, but state prison, for 8 months. Upon release, I was on 24 months supervision. I was released March, 2010. It's been almost a year, I am up for review in a little over a month, it may be decided that I have done so well they don't feel the need to keep me on parole. It may be the following March. So, almost 10 years later, I'm still paying for staying alive.

     I just wish, for once, that I can be looked at as a valuable member of society. I'm not a trouble maker; I'm not a bad person. I am a person with goals to reach, someone who has a heart and a conscience, someone who is trying to do everything within her power to make the best life she can. Questions, comments, razzing? I'd like to know your opinion, whether you know me or not. 

♥