I would like to share something that I don't think many people understand about me, much less in general. Anxiety sucks ass! I mean big, hairy, dingleberry-filled ass! I have anxiety, social anxiety to be more precise, topped off with agoraphobia. I'm not a people person. Deep down I want to be, I want to live free from the fear of judgement, I want to know that I belong somewhere and that I am not trapped when it comes to being in uncomfortable situations. I've come across way too many people who think that I overreact... well, ok, I can understand that and most times I am overreacting. However, my anxiety does not know the difference in react vs. overreact in the moment of panic.
There are several things I would like people to know about me.
First, when in "panic mode", I will say ALL the wrong things! My brain is almost completely unresponsive to coherent thought. So when I try to express myself, I would appreciate more patience. Just know that if I say the wrong thing about a person that we, you or I care about, it isn't as it seems. I seem to pick words out of the air that either don't make sense or come off as unappreciative, ungrateful, even mean. If you feel you have to ask questions to figure out if I am panicking or being mean, by all means, do so. Don't just jump my shit.
Second, for the love of peace, don't talk shit about me. If you want to know ANYTHING about me, what I do, how I think, how I feel, and so on, just ask. If you don't like something, say it to me, not your buddies. I somehow always find out about the shit talk, whether I hear it for myself or someone other than the "talker" has the balls to come to me with the issue.
Third, NEVER belittle me or make me feel that I am not (or less than) a person because I don't have all the answers. I am not someone who finds speaking easy, especially if I don't know you. If you feel you MUST press me for answers, do NOT bombard me with question after question before I can get two words out of my mouth. I am a doer, not a teacher, if you want to learn something, go learn for yourself. Just because I don't have all the answers doesn't mean that I am incompetent. Please, don't turn from me to your friends to bitch about my lack of answers and then tell your friends to come and ask me if I know how to do what you want me to do. It pisses me off.
Fourth, I am me, an individual person, with my own thoughts, ideas, reactions to differing stimuli. Just because you are someone who can climb a mountain does not mean that I am. Just because you have pain and are still able to go out and do your thing does not mean that I will do the same. For instance, you managed to fracture your leg, you got medical help, you stayed in bed for a few days and then you were right back to work. That's great! I actually envy your fearlessness. I have arthritis in my spine and hips, along with a few other physical complications, it's constant pain, I manage to do what I can even if it's very little. One big difference between your take on pain and mine? I FEAR my pain! I want to have a massive panic attack when there's too much or even just too much thinking about it. My anxiety damn near paralyzes me in fear. I can daydream all I want about the physical activities I want to take on but, when it comes to it, sometimes my mind just won't let my body go.
Fifth, please, let's not have your friends come over and then say that I should be the one cleaning and making your bed, picking up your newspaper mess you leave in the bathroom. Especially after said friend has already told my Significant Other to "put his foot down" with me, in other words, my boyfriend needs to control me. BITCH PLEASE! I am not your maid, I am not your spouse, I am not your mother, clean up after yourself.
Sixth, I also have anger issues that I do my absolute best to control, that's one reason why I make myself seem weaker than I am, I have to believe that I do not have the strength nor the capability to hurt someone. I've been to that other side and I don't want to see it ever again. However, I am human and can only be pushed so far.
There is much, much more but, these are just the issues at hand right now. At this time, this post is just the precursor to another blog that I will probably start writing just after this is finished.
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